Category Archives: anger
I know what you’re thinking.
“Oh no, Hannah’s had a relapse”
“Going abroad was no good for her, I knew anorexia’d get the better of her!”
“She’s been faking it all along, what a shame”
On the contrary, my good people, I’m doing fine. The only thing taking a beating here is my dignity and my productivity.
Let me explain.
I’m quite money conscious. To a point where I try to spend as *little* as possible and never buy things I don’t need if I can help it. This doesn’t just stem from a good frugality gene I may have inherited from my grandmother, but also from my eating disorder and the intense fear of guilt- shoppers/buyers guilt, the guilt of any sort of consumption and guilt for having something that might not be necessary. I feel the need to save my money for a rainy day, whenever that might be. If I’m honest, I have no idea what I’m saving for, but spending even £1 makes my head spin.
I knew spending the year in London, the city touted as one of the most expensive in the world, would put a dent even in my wallet if I didn’t have some way to combat the effects of higher prices. So what did I do?
I advertised online as a Nanny and low and behold, before I even set foot on British soil, I had two inquiries for a position quite near my Uni!
The prospects looked bright and before the first week was out, I’d had a phone call and an in person interview which had both gone well.
By the next week, I’d met the two cute little girls and signed a contract.
Enter choosing classes. I might mention that I did multiple permutations to try both to fulfill my major and to work around my job. I’d had success with this when BOOM–>chaos.
Not chaos, really, but they changed the seminar time for what happens to be the best class I’m taking; “Critical Theory and the Study of Religion.” Sure, I was upset, but they said if you couldn’t make that time, you could go to the Masters section. Fine. But then they rescheduled them both within an hour of each other, on the same day, on a day and during a time when I’m working. Not cool.
Not cool as in, now I’ll have to quit my job. Not only am I losing ££ here (£90 per week, to be exact), but I’m also embarrassed for having to quit after having gotten this far with this wonderful family and leaving the mother to have to begin her Nanny search over again. I suppose I could drop the class, because if I think about it, I’m really here for academics and not to work. Don’t you hate when plans fall through?
Pros of this job: £££ for travel, food and clothing, feeling secure, resume, wonderful relationships, break from Uni life
Pros of the class: great topic, awesome discussion, great for thought, philosophical, gets me thinking
I’m kind of floundering here. I’ve gotten nothing done today because my mind has been filled with this problem. I’m feeling afraid that I won’t feel like I have enough money to feed myself and to go traveling like I’d wanted to. I’m worried I’ll never leave my room now and that SAD will get the best of me in the upcoming dark months. I know it’s not so serious as all that, I get a food stipend from my school and my parents will pay for whatever it is as long as I’m happy and healthy. I know all these things but I’m just feeling at a loss right now. I’ve thought of just sucking it up and emailing the mother and telling her I cannot keep the job, suffering the major embarrassment (I’ve also borrowed something of hers so I’ll have to see them again :/) and devoting time I’d have used for the job to writing a book.
Basicaly I’m suffering from an existential crisis here. I’m feeling a bit lost with what I’m doing with my life. Maybe I’m looking too far into the future and focusing too much on the present at the same time. There must be something good that will come out of not being able to have this job, I’m just not sure what it is. Maybe it’s time to write the book I’ve been saying I was going to write for the past couple years.
Reality Check: even if I’d made £90 extra a week, I probably wouldn’t have that much time to go traveling anyhow and I probably also wouldn’t have felt good about spending that much extra money on food/eating out/shopping anyhow. I never do.
Sometimes when I’m walking down the street, I get so stuck in my head I forget to look at one of my most favorite sights, where the rooftops meet the sky and the architecture and nature around me. I look down and my forehead is probably furrowed in thought. When I remember, I look up, and see how many opportunities and differences there are around me. I think this might be one of those times to look up.
I’ll leave you all with some pictures since this has been somewhat of a word heavy post. Also, if you’re more into the food/travel/pictures thing, check out my earlier post!
Today is just going to be a light survey for you…the other half of Amanda’s!
For the record, I love surveys. So much that I’d think about becoming a professional survey taker? hm….it’s a thought….
M: is for Milk, what kind do you like (flavor, source, etc)?… I am pretty sure I used to at least like dairy milk but now I can’t stand it!! I usually stick to soy milk. I will actually drink any sort of non dairy milk. I’ve tried oat, hemp, rice (this is my least favorite- where’s the calcium and protein?), sunflower (bought, but not yet tasted), soy. As soon as I’m tested for nut intolerance, I’m going to get on that almond milk!
N: is for Nuts, what kind are your favorite?…See above. I’m unsure whether I’m allergic/intolerant to nuts. I was when I was younger and grew out and into it again. Perhaps this time will be the charm? That said, I can’t wait to try peanut butter, almond butter, cashew butter, etc. I’ve been eating soy nut butter and sunflower seed butter, which are delish though, so I can’t complain.
O: is for Onions, do you eat them?…yes! I love onions. I love them roasted, boiled (like St. Patrick’s Day!) and caramelized, grilled, etc. Basically any way except raw. Give them to me raw and I might cry. Literally.
P: is for Protein, what is your favorite source?…I love yogurt. Give me the greek or the regular any day. Gotta be plain though, or perhaps vanilla. I’m not a fan of flavored yogurts, I prefer to add my own flavor or just enjoy the creaminess on its own.
Q: is for Quiche, what 4 ingredients would you like in yours?…I’ll admit to not being a huge fan of quiche. It’s a bit daunting but I do know my mom makes a mean one! I’d probably like peppers, zucchini, carrots and spinach. and mushrooms. (I’m a cheater…)
R: is for Restaurant, what’s the name of your favorite and what type of cuisine does it serve?… I prefer to cook at home, just because it is easier for me to make a choice. I don’t think I have a favorite restaurant, but I sure do love me some Whole Foods Hot Bar!! Does that count?
S: is for Spices, name 4 that are in your kitchen right now that you have used in the past 5 days?… I really love cinnamon! and I also like nutmeg (in coffee, seriously, it is good!) For the savory spices, I like curry powder and chili powder. Anything with spice.
T: is for Trick or Treating, what 5 candies does your bag contain?…Chocolate chocolate and more chocolate. And I use a pillow case. Well, I did. I haven’t been trick or treating for a couple years. I’m pretty sure it is still there somewhere. Basically I don’t like most conventional chocolate; gimme the expensive dark stuff!
U: is for Universal, what is your favorite type of cuisine from around the world?…I love…cuisine from the very own island of my own kitchen! This involves SSB and SNB on everything, veggies, fruits, oats, etc. I’ll eat most everything though, although I’m not a fan of pasta or rice.
V: is for Vitamins, do you take them, and if so, what kinds?…I take a multi and calcium as well as omegas. I love taking chewy vitamins, of course. Gotta stay young and keep it fun!
W: is for Water, do you drink bottled, spring, tap, sparkling, etc?…I’m a sparkling water snob, admittedly…
X: is for Xtra special, what food holds a special place in your heart?… Soy Nut Butter and Sunflower Seed Butter hold that special place. They literally saved my life in my recovery. I’ve gone through jars and jars when I thought I could never touch fats. My hair, skin, heart, hormones, etc, thank me.
Y: is for Yogurt, you can only afford 1 cup, what kind do you purchase?…just…*gasp*…one? Probably Fage 2%?
Z: is for Zero guilt, what food can you enjoy over and over without any guilt?… Working on this. Lately it has been the nut butters. Amazingly. I am in awe of how much of these I can eat and just feel awesome.
Newman’s Own Organics sent me these delicious soy crisps to review. They sent me Cinnamon Sugar and White Cheddar, which I would probably have chosen any way. Good job NOO! They also come in Lightly Salted and BBQ flavors for all of you traditionalist and down south folks.
I love any sort of soy crisp. These are like a nice cross between a rice cake and a protein cracker? The crunch is just to die for and the flavors are perfect.
Some mini rice cakes *quaker* are too sweet and just taste like sugar covered cardboard. Not these! They pack a flavor punch without being dusted with the sweet stuff.
and 8g protein per serving? I would take that.
Not gonna lie. I opened up both bags at once. Who said sweet and savory couldn’t mix? 5/5 NOO!
My mom has been bugging me about my recovery today. I’ve been thinking so much about it lately but I’m in the place where I want it SO BADLY that it’s even harder to act on. Does anyone get this? I went to the doctor yesterday for my pre-camp employment physical and had a Hep A shot and some blood tests done. Today I feel like I’ve been poked and prodded, not only on my arms, but also in my soul. Things like this that bring me into consciousness about my recovery hurt a bit, but they are good for you, like shots. I NEED to think about the scary things that happen if I don’t recover. I NEED to think about the amazing things that happen when I do. There is seriously so much for me to live for; I’ve always been a girl with big dreams, now I just need to make them come closer. With 1.5 more years of college left, it’s coming at me faster than I thought it would. I’m being less and less at home, which means I am more and more in control of my own life. I need to take that control and not only find myself an internship and jobs, make friends, find a significant other (isn’t this part of adulthood?) but also take the time to tune into what my body needs and wants. If this means I serve myself that super scary bowl of cereal, then goddamn it, I’m going to do it. If I’m thirsty, why shouldn’t I have a glass of soy milk instead of some water. I did this morning. It’s a start.
I feel terrible about talking about my mom like this because she means the world to me and we are really very close, but I need to be honest when she upsets me. She just came into the living room where I am sitting with my bag of chia seeds in her hands. She then proceeded to say that my eating of them was eating disordered and that they had no benefits other than fiber. Could you guys help a sister out and tell me some other, great benefits of Chia seeds and why YOU guys eat them? I know that many people eat them daily (those recovering/ed or not) and swear by them. The girl who recommended them to me doesn’t even have an eating disorder, as I pointed out to my mom. I guess I’m just frustrated. How am I supposed to enjoy what I’m eating if I never get validated from it. Yes, it should come from inside of me, but it’s also more difficult.
Note: this shouldn’t reflect badly on my mom. I love her more than anyone and she puts up with anything and everything, listens to me complain, rejoice, etc. She is just recovering from surgery and she’s tired. She just came in and told me that she thought my eating disorder was on the point of collapse. I think she’s right. I’m just angry at her. Is that okay?
enough depressing things, now for some hope!
Sarah does something great at the end of her posts. She congratulates herself for having done something good each day, no matter how small. I love this idea and I’ve got to think of how I can do something like it. It could be one challenge per day or a re-thinking of a negative thought. Or just one little thing that I was grateful for or made me happy that day. I’ll think on this.
Today though, I’m thankful for all of my readers. It means so much to me that you care enough to read my ramblings each day
I’ve decided to do a WIAW today!! It’s late, however, because I’m not really sure how to do it. Is it supposed to be what you ate on wednesday or can it just be any full day of eats? This is what I ate today, May 18th, 2011, but perhaps next time I’ll pick another day of the week so I can actually get it up in a timely fashion….
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Breakfast began with a Banana Berry protein smoothie. So excited!
I love Spirutein Shakes. They come in so many flavors!
Perfection in a glass.
I loved this so much, that I had to make another one as a morning snack.
I made this one chocolate by adding unsweetened cocoa powder to a vanilla protein powder + silk.
These were tasty, but I still miss the spinach element. The spinach I had turned all mushy on me
Lunch was OOIAJ (overnight oats in a jar!) …or rather, two jars
Filling? Chia Seed Oat Bran!
Jar One: Chocolate Soy Nut Butter
Jar Two: yogurt cheese
I was super psyched about this. The weather outside is frightful (sorry) but the oats were mmmmm delightful
Contents: 1/2 the oat bran, sliced strawberries, honey rice puffins, barbaras oat squares, soy nut butter, banana vanilla tofu pudding (a wonderful addition!), 1/4 a sweet potato, chocolate soy nut butter
Contents: 1/2 oat bran, barbaras oat squares, honey rice puffins, TJs Sunflower Seed Butter, yogurt cheese, 1/4 sweet potato and banana vanilla tofu pudding
I ate one of these at lunch time and saved the other for an afternoon snack. They were quite filling, as you all know
I guess I didn’t like it or anything….
Midafternoon, I took a break from cleaning/organizing my room to catch up on some of your WIAW posts and downed my other OOIAJ, cold from the fridge.
I like them both warm and cold, it turns out.
I made a compromise because of the weather and walked home only from my doctor’s appointment. I read like Freya while I walked
I couldn’t even decide what I wanted for dinner when I got home. Half of me wanted a quesadilla….
and half of me wanted chili. I settled for both!
I steamed some fresh green beans and accompanied the meal with mustard dippage and salsa. Two of my favorite condiments, of course.
I loved this meal, let me tell you.
and of course, I had a salad with carrots and balsamic on the side. as per usual, I love my salads!
I had a couple spoonfuls of banana vanilla tofu pudding and yogurt with SSB and SNB for dessert. You know how I do.
All in all, a perfect delish day.
SIDENOTE: Not moments after I posted yesterday’s post, detailing how much I loved my Pufferfish Mug, I heard a huge crash from the kitchen. Yes, it was indeed my younger sister breaking my mug.
for about twenty minutes
then I went to meditate for an hour and felt a bit better.
I’m going to miss it
Hope you guys all had a terrific wednesday,
I’ve been slacking with my posting lately which is mainly because I’ve been strung between finals and home and being back at school to record for a cappella 6 hours a day. Needless to say, I’m exhausted and can’t even make straight thoughts.
Today’s recording session was awful. Our pitch yelled at me again and this time I broke. I apologized to her between hands I held to my face as if they could stop the tears. She didn’t even apologize or listen to me. She walked away.
I left the room and found another member of our group outside who sat me down and rubbed my back while I tried not to lose it completely.
I’ll give A (the pitch) the benefit of the doubt. I was having low energy (I have NO energy today and yesterday….) and because of that, I might have not had the most positive attitude. But I also hate feeling needy or drawing attention to myself, so I wouldn’t tell anyone even if I was feeling seriously ill for fear they wouldn’t care or would think I was trying to get attention. During recording, I could barely keep my eyes open, but I said nothing. Not to mention that I kept falling asleep on my feet. I was just miles away.
As you know, the struggle between this pitch and I is not a one time thing, it has happened before. Perhaps it all stems back to my general lack of social abilities, I don’t know. But it is certainly making spending multiple hours with my a cappella group- a pastime I used to so enjoy- kind of dreadful. I’ve been thinking a whole bunch about what it is that makes people drop me. I don’t have any answers yet, but I’m trying to be mindful of how I act around others so I can read their signals if I’m doing something wrong. Regardless, I don’t think she has any right to berate me every time she’s feeling down. She does it in private, maybe so people can’t stick up for me. Luckily, a. she is graduating on sunday and b. I still know that I’m a worthwhile person. You all follow my blog, so I must have some redeeming qualities. haha.
Do you have any advice?
Our glee club had the senior banquet last night. I went, sat with K and C, ate 2 plates of salad, buttered broccoli and mashed potatoes (poor veg options!) and then we left. We just weren’t feeling it and it was C’s birthday so we walked around in town a bit before going to get her the free Sundae that you get on your birthday from our local ice cream joint.
Town hosts two markets each week which is really fun. The saturday morning farmers market and a smaller scale tuesday market which is the one we encountered quite by accident while walking the back way so as not to walk around the restaurants huge glass windows and be discovered/shamed for our leaving the banquet. Wow that was a long sentence.
I love free samples, so we tried some different spreads. I think this one was like maple gooseberry? I liked it. I’m not sure K did though…
C liked it!
and the best part was that there was a cute little black lamb for petting/nuzzling. I did the latter, of course.
We tried some cheese. I have got to say, anywhere where samples are, samples of cheese are my favorite. Whole Foods shout out??
something funny happened; I tried some goat cheese that I liked!! Strange, I usually find it too bitter. It contained honey, which I usually find too sweet, but this cheese was to die for, seriously! There may be hope to me visiting the land of goat cheese yet!
C for her birthday sundae.
and some chocolate all over her lips.
All in all, we agreed it was better than just sitting at senior banquet.
Time for retro pictures!
Sunday began with a run. I was feeling ambitious/not tired as usual, and woke up to some nut butter covered dates- of course!
is there even a date under there?
It was sunday and E and I (being the earliest risers in the house) made breakfast in bed for my mother on Mother’s Day. Guess what I made?
My mom shares my love of oatmeal, which makes everything easy
we didn’t want to make Dad feel bad, so we whipped him up some rather ugly lookin’ pancakes from the leftover batter in the fridge. Sounds terrible, but I tried one and they weren’t bad.
Then I went on my run.
I love my mother photo bombing in the background.
Had myself a delish vanilla protein shake.
I was amazed at myself. I’ve been feeling really tired lately, but since I’ve been home I’ve been eating better (more carbs!) and I did my whole run without stopping which was pretty big for me and the fatigue I’ve been feeling. I knew I wanted a big refuel when I got home!
Yes, I looked terrible and put on some snazzy sunglasses
I had another one later.
Do you ever get on two smoothie day kicks?
Now I’m going to go get some lunch and read a bit before our senior banquet tonight- a cappella style! I hope it turns out okay. I’m singing “Slow Pony Home” by The Weepies which is the senior song. I have the solo but I’m not sure how comfortable I feel singing it to A. I feel like maybe I’m not the one she’d choose….ugh feelings! slow pony home. Nice song, really.
See you tomorrow!! a review of some yummy things is coming, as well as a recap of senior banquet!
Good afternoon. That sounds so frightfully formal! I’d like to discuss something that occurred to me as I was walking home from Glee Club today.
It was raining but because I like the rain, I carried my umbrella, letting the drops soak into my jacket and drip through each strand of hair onto my scalp, cooling my head and my thoughts. I walked quickly, skimming the path on my way back home and it occurred to me as I made my way that many of the steps I was taking were not on the path, indeed, I was cutting many corners.
This pertains not only to the corners of the path that I was taking, the path that kept me out of the flower beds and off of the newly growing grass, but also to the corners of my life.
My mom had said yesterday to me that I was a square peg here, attempting to (or resisting a ) fit in a round hold. Thus it was, she said, that my corners hurt. See? I am not the only one who cuts corners.
I cut them coming out of class, I cut them going to class, I make my way down the hill to the bike path instead of taking the winding path all the way around. I get lazy and say “well, I don’t need protein right now” or “gee, I don’t really feel like reading that article” or “I could have 10 crackers, but five will do just fine.” These corners are all there for a reason. If things were easy, everything would be circular and we could all find ourselves around quite easily. We would all fit in, we would all be happy, we would all look the same and talk the same and have the same ideas. But even with the soft curves of a “circular” life, would we really be content?
I’m finding that even cutting those corners doesn’t give me what I am really searching for ultimately. If I eat those 5 crackers, am I really allowing myself to look at my fear and overcome it? Sure, cutting corners may shave 5 minutes off of my commute from one of campus to the other, but I am still stepping on the flowers. Maybe we’re meant to walk around for a reason, take the long way, if you will. If everything is easy and you always have a way out, how do you ever learn to appreciate what life gives you; what you already have. If I do not walk around the garden, paying attention so as not to step on the flowers and disturb their growing roots and bright petals, I will be able to appreciate them. So is it with life; if I am constantly looking for perfection and a short cut, where will I learn? Where will I struggle? This leaves me thinking about all of the corners that I cut and what life meaning is seeping through the cracks there. Yes, it may take longer to walk all the way down the path, but in the end, I think it’s going to be worth it to see the flowers I might have trampled if I had cut those corners.
Hey ladies and gents!
Happy tuesday to you too! Nothing exciting to post today. I went to study with D downtown in a coffee shop this morning which was really nice. Who else loves town in the morning; the stillness, the settled state of the air, the people moving around while still in their heads- I love it.
Ankle update: I have an appointment on thursday at Health services but it has begun not to hurt so much. It hasn’t stopped hurting, but it seems better? I’m going to (try) to wait until after my appointment to run/go to the gym though. It’s certainly hard and I’ll admit, no one can keep me from taking walks and dancing! A girl’s gotta have her mind-clearing work outs!
I promise I haven’t forgotten about the 30 day blog challenge but between the power outage and the last 3 questions being about TV (I don’t watch it) and being married (I’m not) and my celebrity crush (I don’t have one) I’m going to wait until tomorrow to get back on track with all that
I’ve finally had my blog long enough to have racked up some pretty funny stats here for search terms.
Greek Yogurt in Dubai- well I’ve been to Dubai and I like greek yogurt. I didn’t see any there though. This person probably wondered if I did- there ya go!
Owls- yup, I like’em!
Make yogurt fail- well I’ve never made yogurt, but just so you know, don’t make yogurt cheese out of yoplait.
Chobani hives- oh gosh, I hope no one gets hives from this stuff!!
Getting to know you 2011- Hi, nice to meet you too!
Getting to know you worksheets- I certainly never posted any of those.
Running capris- yeah! I actually wrote about these in one of my first posts!
Bean dip with Cottage cheese- mmm, never combined the two but sounds good
Had Starbucks coffee soymilk- that is what I usually get
black and white outline of a sunflower- this one completely throws me. I don’t think I’ve ever even talked about sunflowers on here…
Chobani- Don’t'cha’ know it!
grade trip photos- I don’t know that I’ve ever ..yes I have. oh, the memories
milk cup- ?? what?
owl room- Yes please!!
Nature Themed Weddings- I’d like one of these, so I’ve talked about it before.
What does Superfantastical mean- I will admit to using this word ; )
Okay. I began this post this morning then went off to class and a meeting with my advisor about graduating early/my seminar paper. Let’s just say that I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I’m just a bit too free forming for this school. Who wouldn’t want to follow their passions rather than fill in requirements? It took us 2 hours to hash through where all my study abroad classes would fit with my major requirements. Honestly is it worth that much to spend so much time trying to fit into a small box?!?!?! Shouldn’t studying what you love and getting meaning out of it be more important? I can’t really express my feelings right now so I’m going to go
scream into the phone at my mom about how much I hate it here diffuse. More on this later, I promise. I seem to have such a disregard for everything that is normal *sigh*. My mom calls me a square peg in a round hole.
on that note, my corners hurt.
I’m going to a concert with my friend A tonight and we’re going to GoBerry afterwards, so at least I will literally cool down (ha…ha…) –>GoBerry also has banana and strawberry now!!!!!
Love you all, you keep me sane,