Category Archives: frustrated
I’ve been home for about a week now and have been settling back into life in boring old Upstate New York.
If you know me, you know that I’ve got major phone phobia. Earlier in the week, the phone rang. Unaffected, I sat in my chair, typing away (probably on pinterest….)
‘You going to get that?’ I shouted, as Mom hurried down the stairs, grabbing the phone on its last ring.
Mom talked and walked for a bit (as Moms do) and announced that we had both been invited to a book club meeting of someone she knows through E’s boy scout troop.
‘Mrs. W thinks very highly of you Hannah, I would be flatted,’ Mom told me
‘Oh, I am!’ I replied, truly tickled to have been invited along, as an affirmation of my movement into adult life.
‘And she’s made a pie.’ Mom continued, ‘which you must plan on eating if you’re going to go’
It has been year since I’ve eaten a piece of pie. Sure, I’ve had pie, if by ‘had pie’ you mean a spoon/fork/finger full, one berry, bit of crust, or crumb from the topping. An entire piece? Not so much.
To be honest, my first thought was, ‘what kind?’ then, ‘I wonder if you could handle this…’ closely followed by, ‘god, no you can’t have pie!’
Reading my mind, Mom told me it was to be Strawberry Rhubarb. Before my family members developed our respective food difficulties (allergies, eating disorders, intolerances, etc) Mom and Dad used to spend all day in the garden, harvesting our now fallow beds. Often, they would pick our strawberry plants bare and cut down the thick stalks of rhubarb and Mom would make a strawberry rhubarb crisp or pie.
I’d always be able to smell it cooking in the oven. Juices bubbling, sweet strawberries melding with tart rhubarb underneath a perfectly browned crust. As a small child, I’m pretty sure I had piece after piece, not caring about sugar, fat, or calories.
Memories of childhood combined with my affinity for adults and books won out and come thursday, we were in the car on our way.
I’m not sure whether it was the fact that neither Mom nor I had read the book (not having been given time) or the deadly pie sitting under saran wrap on the table that impeded my ability to pay compete attention to the discussion of the book, but my mind was wont to wonder.
Just as I thought she was going to forget all about the gooey creation, she pulled out a book, read us a rather touching excerpt from the book, Making Piece, and transitioned into the kitchen with a pie slicer.
As she cut the pie, Mrs. W asked whether everyone would be having a piece. I stifled the small urge to decline, and gravitated towards the piece which had been placed in front of my mother. Sitting around the table, Mrs. W explained that this recipe had been her mother’s and we began to eat.
The first mouthful and I am suddenly 10 again, before my life was complicated, before I was constantly aware of my body. The two fruits were combined just as I remembered, the crust, I left for last as always. Everyone else seemed to enjoy their pieces, which is how eating should be. A lovely social activity.
As I take another forkful, I realise that I’m not exactly sure how to eat pie anymore. Why can’t I dip it in nut butter? Put yogurt all over it? Where is my mini fork and my festive plate? No, it’s just me, a fork, and a plate full of pie. This experience is meant to be truly mindful, and I’m suddenly aware. I don’t shovel it in, but my bites are normal, as my tongue rejoices in flavours I haven’t tasted full on in years.
‘Does anyone want another piece?’ Mrs. W asks, although none of us have finished.
My inner child, peaking out from behind Ed’s grip yells, ‘Oh me! Yes, the entire pie please!’ But my 21 year old self remains silent. I know that one piece is enough. And I am proud for having let myself eat that piece.
Who knows, maybe this is the start of my renewed relationship with pie.
After all, our rhubarb plant is getting kind of big….
fewf! I just spent the last 10 minutes dancing wildly around my room and am now wildly out of breath.
Well Great Hannah, you are now ready for dancing with the stars.
Not by half, but hear me out. When you are stressed, there is nothing like expending super amounts of energy to loud music to help you calm down and centre yourself. Today’s picks were:
Magic Carpet Ride for a nice warm up followed by the all out energy burst of Outkast.
Sure, we all get stressed from time to time and this is one of my favourite ways to cope. Not all my coping skills are and have been healthy, bus this one is one of the best. Others include:
-Going for a walk/run
Why am I stressed this time? Since the beginning of the year, or really, since second term last year, I’ve been in the process of applying for an ETA (English Teaching Assistantship) Fulbright Felloship.
The Fulbright is a US Government funded felloowship that gives post grads the chance to either teach or do research in another country for a year as emissaries of the US. I’m applying to Taiwan, the country where my sister and brother were born and where my great grandparents lived and taught English themselves.
Taiwan, in case you’re one of those oddly confused people (which I sincerely hope you are not) is not Thailand. It is also not China. It is its own country off the coast of China.
I am lucky because my college has one of the highest acceptance rates in the country for Fulbright Fellowships. Lucky as I am, however, this also means that the process of applying is very daunting. You must first register your interest, then submit a questionnaire to the FPA (Fulbright Programs Ambassador, DA, as I like to call him). If you are approved to continue, you will be admitted into the program and given a whole new set of links protected by password. You will then register with a 23 page document, which will lead you on to another 23 page document (where I am now) which has two 10 page documents (where I also am) which work within and feed into it.
If this sounds confusing or daunting, just don’t forget that this all comes with mountains of pages to read and strict deadlines to which to adhere. Next up will be drafting and writing two essays and meeting to secure affiliates and cultural enrichment programs. Did I mention I was also applying for a Language Enhancement Grant (LEG HA) to improve my Chinese?
I may or may not look a little like this right now:
Literal pressure. Not to mention that I’ve applied for a job as the Unit Director at a summer camp back home. There are two problems with this:
1. The job begins 17 June. I fly home 17 June. They’ve said I could be there in the morning 18 June. Which gives me about 10 hours with my family (minus sleep) before I jet off again for another month.
2. I’ve got to have two Fulbright essay drafts in by 15 July, which is, as luck would have it, smack dab in the middle of the camp season.
So I have no idea whether I’ll take the job or not. Great money, awesome summer outside with kids? Of course. But also time is of the essence here and there is no computer access there. So either I work myself with nose to the grindstone for the next two weeks before I go to Morocco, or I say, no thanks, to the job.
Why is life so hard?
With that off my chest, we can move along to something a bit more aesthetic.
Unidentified Flying Egg Discs!
Only….I just told you what they were, so no surprises there.
I probably slathered these with yogurt, cinnamon and nut butter, if I know myself well enough to discern that….
You know what I love about the Holland and Barrett Penny sale?
Having to buy multi vitamins and realising that sunflower seeds in a 500g bag are only 1p. Winning.
Once more, with feeling
You know what’s even better?
When the fixer people FINALLY come to fix your hob/oven after it has been broken for a week and you can roast your sunflower seeds.
and add melted chocolate to it.
Okay, that is seriously enough nut butter pictures.
I’ll disappoint you now and tell you that those have been gone for a week and replaced by plain peanut butter.
I told myself that I’d be okay buying the sunflower seeds because they would last me until I went home.
I told myself, ‘Okay, so you’ll probably only need one 200g bag of peanuts to last you until you go home’
Guess I actually eat more nut butters than I thought I did? Good for me, TAKE THAT ED!
We are the best of friends, obviously.
Bloggers have gotten flack for having posted pictures of themselves with nut butter before, but I’ll just say that nut butter has saved my life and helped my recovery, so I can and will post pictures like this because they DO express the relationship we have. My mom always says, ‘thank god for nut butter!’ and you know, she is right!
What we have is real okay? (in a lighthearted voice, mind you)
Here is a nice ending note, in case you DO believe that posting pictures of oneself with jars of drippy nut fat is not a-okay.
I’m really glad to have time for blogging. It makes me smile. YOU make me smile.
Why does everyone hate it so? I’ve never felt that drag of a feeling everyone describes as, ‘the mondays,’ but I can feel a bit of a general drag today.
Because my exams are now over, as of friday (yay!), I’m left with basically two free weeks until I’ve got Field Day
on 2nd June and then a couple more days until I go to Morocco!
So until June, I’m completely unoccupied.
Being a person given to Anxiety, I’ve made myself a giant list of things to do if I feel lonely, anxious or bored. One of those was to go to the Wellcome Collection today, after I returned my books to the library. But apparently someone is testing me, because nothing on my list if open on mondays!
Resigned to sit on my bed all day (kidding) I’ve been cleaning out and organising my internet bookmarks. Seriously? Do I really need five links to the same cauliflower pizza crust? Why on earth do I have that article from 5 years ago in my bookmarks folder named, ‘awesome youtube,’ and what on earth does the folder ‘banana’ contain (hint: it isn’t banana recipes).
I’ll share with you some of the fun links I found though, because it is as much fun for me to rediscover them as it was to find them the first time.
1. 43 Things - This website lets you set goals, see others who have the same goals as you, and cheer and be cheered. You can check off when you’ve accomplished something and write a little blurb about it.
2. Wedding Gawker- I’m assuming you’ve all seen Food Gawker (another favourite of mine) but if you haven’t found yourself its Wedding component, set aside some hours. For a girl who hasn’t even ever dated someone, I love to dream on this site.
3. Regretsy- You guys know Etsy, right? Well this site is like etsy, but the products have gone a bit….off. Where else can you find cinnabon earrings, foaming cake batter body wash, and top 5 bag overalls.
4. Sporcle- Sporcle gives you timed quizzes based on a given topic of your choice. My first year room mate was constantly on this site, and I’ve since developed a similar fondness, although cannot say to have spent nearly as much time quizzing as she had The quizzes are actually good for learning as well, such as countries in Africa or name the presidents.
5. The Oatmeal- I surprise myself sometimes with what I find and enjoy online. I wouldn’t peg myself as a webcomic reader, but this blog has some really hilarious things such as the one I’ve linked to where the author describes just what we mean when we say, ‘literally’ It’ll make you think thrice before you say it again, or at least laugh as you use it incorrectly!
So besides refinding joy in the internets, what have I been doing with myself? My friend S and I went to see Foster the People a couple weekends ago. It was a pretty good show- they even played the same song twice (we had a talk about whether this was by accident or not)
I would have to say though, that my favourite part was the lighting. It was so dark and we were way up in the balcony (which is what you get with £15 tickets) but we could hear (everything but each other) and see the light show.
There was one point when bubbles came down from the ceiling, but we couldn’t get under them because we were on the balcony.
I’ve done the dark room-wet bubble/foam thing, if you remember, and it wasn’t fun.
My friend D and I have walked around London some, Borough Market (DELICIOUS MUSHROOM PATE!) and Tate Modern (strange). We came across this and he had to take a picture with his fancy film camera in B&W.
Obviously, I wasn’t paying attention.
D and I also found an interesting nonconformist colouring book at a local bookshop. I will be getting this for my kids.
D got one of those super fancy swirly coffee drinks.
I’ve been to Borough Market many times, and yet I never feel quite right about taking pictures while I’m there. I might go again later this week and see whether I can overcome this because if you want to see food beautifully presented, Borough is your place! So I took an awkwardly close picture of myself instead on my walk home?
Oh, and those are ear phones, not supersonic bionic silver ears or giant earrings. And you thought I was starting a new trend.
I promise that once I get home and have access to some assemblance of schedule and more picture taking, I won’t do mostly photo/mind dump posts. I realise they can be difficult to follow.
But while we are on the topic of being random, I’ve got these ‘table talk’ cards from home that somehow made their way into my suitcase (I blame…..Mom encouraging me to be social?) The first question on it is, ‘If you could get a VIP pass into any special event, what would you attend? What would be the best way to celebrate it?’ My answer? Well, 3rd June is the Jubilee here, and I would love VIP tickets to get to spend the day with the Queen and get to know her and have fun together. I’d celebrate by eating eaton mess with her in a beautiful garden somewhere.
I’m off to work on my Fulbright and listen to Queen
Love, Hannah x
So, I know it is exam time and you probably all think I’ve gone under in light of that, but I could not stay away. I’ve got too much to say! Not regularly, since most days these days consist of….revising ALL DAY intermixed with some time on facebook and eating and pinterest and skyping my mom and trying to figure out internships and my Fulbright.
I’ve been out a few times with friends. Don’t hate me, but I actually really like clubbing?
Hear me out. As someone recovering, drinking still means calories for me, but on the one hand, I’ve learned that a night out here and there does not automatically make me unhealthy, and on the other, I can go out and still have fun without drinking. Both of these facts are reassuring, although it only decreases my irrational fears somewhat. I’m working on this. I’m sure this is relatable.
I’ve been a bit lonely since everyone has been revising. Not to mention that everyone who wasn’t was off traveling. How they’ve got the time to do so, is beyond me. Some other international students are on programmes, but I’m here for the full year, directly enrolled in uni, so I’ve got to stay until I’ve gotten the exams sorted.
So what have I been doing with myself? Besides revising, that is. My friend D and I went to see the London Marathon last sunday, which I’ve been waiting for literally all year. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was a lot of this :
It was actually really emotional. Having only run two 5ks, I cannot imagine how it would feel to conquer the beast that is 26.6 miles, but watching this made me tear up. Notwithstanding the physical triumph, but some people were running for others. Could I ever set this as the ultimate goal? To show my body that I care for it and trust it to care for me as I challenge it?
I said to D, as we were watching, that I’d enther be crying the entire time (that’s a long time, folks) or stopping to help everyone who stopped or looked ill. Yeah. I’d better get a grip first haha.
The sky over by Blackfrier’s Bridge was beautiful and baby blue at around half 12 when we were there.
So we walked around a bit and D taught me how to use a film camera while we had tea by St. Paul’s.
You have no idea how many pictures I have of St. Paul’s.
This one especially. How can you not love the rooftops?
We soon relocated to Sainsbury’s where D bought a baguette which I stuck in my bag.
Not knowing what to do, we decided to check out the Tate Modern, which I haven’t been to yet. Don’t hate on my lack of tourist capabilities. I’ve got a lot on my mind.
We crossed the Millinnium Bridge, like the one from Harry Potter.
Except the real one crossed to the Tate, where we were going.
The Tate Modern is WEIRD. I shall confess to being more of a classic art girl, so this was a bit odd, but it’s so close so I had to go.
Luckily, there was something on the wall near most of the art that gave you the ‘bigger picture’ in case modern art wasn’t your thing. Or you weren’t feeling especially sharp that day in terms of abstract applicatoin.
Some of them were just like….hm…..
When we finally left the Tate, it was pouring. I went over to D’s flat for a bit where I had some ginger tea while D ate baguette and cheese. Then we watched My Drunk Kitchen (if you haven’t seen this DO IT) and some Feminist videos and chatted about intellectual things.
In terms of food, I’ve been trying to save money/eat everything in my room so I don’t end up with things to take home with me. It is actually kind of fun because it forces new combinations into things.
This was my first attempt at overnight oats. 1/4 cup barley flakes, 1/4 cup yogurt, 1 tsp maca, 6 strawberries, 1 tbsp coconut flour, 1/4 cup soy milk. Left overnight. Hm. It was….I don’t know how I felt about it. Perhaps it was the barley flakes, but they just felt a bit soggy. And the yogurt was almost off (which is why I used it) so I think I’ll try it again. In general, I’m certain that I prefer oats to barley flakes, so I’m not sure I”ll try them again.
I’ve been making lots of spreads (and eating them, obviously) lately. I finally put tahini in hummus (I used to be scared to do so because of extra calories- PSSSH) and it tastes so good! I’ve also been experimenting with different beans and different mix-ins. This certain one had peanut butter in.
I didn’t take this picture at night, but rather in bad lighting on a brown scarf. Yes, I know you’re all jealous of my photography skills. But fear not, I’m taking photography in the fall!
I broke my blue plate, so there will be no more blue plate special (aka: every single meal on that blue plate) but now we’re working with boring white plate. Sorry. 2 months guys, two months. Then I get my gnome plate back!
The market is my love. Last week I bought 2 large square punnets of Strawberries for £1.50. They’ve been eaten. Oh yes.
I love strawberries. They are also the most beautiful fruit to photograph.
Since I have basically no food left in my fridge, I had to improvise. I looked around my room and saw that I had some things. 3 eggs, coconut flour, leftover peanut butter hummus. Hm…thought I, what can I make with these? I hopped online and found this recipe
I love Leanne’s recipes and her photography is phenominal. Where do you live Leanne, that you get such great light???? Obviously not London with its relentless rain….
Chocolate Coconut Protein Bread
Adapted from THIS
makes 1 small loaf, serves 4!
1/4 cup chocolate protein powder ( I used GoTein, since that’s what I’ve got on hand)
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup hummus (I used PB hummus, but you could also use some other puree like carrot, prune, pumpkin, or applesauce)
1 tsp almond extract
1/2 cup wheat bran
1. Combine protein powder, coconut flour, baking soda. Set aside.
2. In a small bowl, mix eggs, puree, and vanilla until incorporated.
3. Pour the wet mixture into the dry and mix with a wooden spoon or spatula until just mixed.
put in greased bread pan
4. Bake on the middle rack for 23-25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
Remove from the oven and allow to cool completely (about 1 hour) before serving. <– that didn’t happen, I ate it.
Seriously so much protein in this bread- 10g per slice!
Sliced into 1/4′ths they are pretty thick slices, so I sliced one slice in half and ate it open faced. Enough slice?
I had another slice for breakfast this morning, sans topping at all, since I was in a rush to get to the library to revise. Speaking of which, did you guys hear about the guy who threatened to blow himself up on Tottenham Court Road today? That’s near where I was, I tried to go buy nut butter there, but the police had cordoned it off.
If you know me, I’m as stingy as they come. Not only because I like to save, but because I’m literally petrified of spending. I have a credit card, but I never use it. I never take money out of the bankomat, and I always use cash.
Take today, for instance. I am utterly out of nut butter. I’ve been making it for myself since peanuts are only £0.56 at Sainsbury’s and my flat mate has a mini food processor. But lately I’ve been going through it quicker (yay me!) so it’s gone and gone. I decided to challenge myself and get something that came in a jar. Product of choice?
I’ve seen this on some blogs and know they don’t sell it in the US so I had to give it a try.
But it wasn’t as easy as all that. I’d prepped myself and even asked my mom if I coud justify buying it rather than making it for cheap. I’d been at the library for a couple hours and then at a revising session. I headed to one store, as I mentioned above, but was turned away because of the hostige situation. ‘Could this be a sign that I shouldn’t spend money?’ I thought as I walked to the other more local natural foods shop. In I walked, surveying the nut butters. They all looked delicious and I imediately saw the one that was the most “interesting” and yet the one that cost £5.39. Yes my friends, that would be how much I’d spend on about 6 packages of peanuts at Sainsbury’s which would last me until I go home, and then some.
I walked out of the store.
I walked around the block. I thought I lost my oyster card. It was in my bag.
I walked back into the store and bought the damn thing.
And friends, it tasted good.
I had to add a bit of salt, because I couldn’t taste it that much, but that could be because I was just hungry. Or perhaps I didn’t know what it SHOULD taste like. Definitately realy mild, and not very nutty, but distinct. The texture was the same, quite drippy with a lovely flecked almost rosy colour. High in protein too, which you’d never know. Oh the things you can make into nut butter these days.
The next challenge will be to actually fill my fridge this weekend, for I cannot live on plums and nut butter alone. Well I could….but….
Today I’m posting over on my travel blog –> A Case of Wanderlust
So I’ll be talking a bit more about things there.
I said I’d get back into blogging but right now I’ve got really itchy arms and a big paper and exams to revise for.
So it will be slow going. I have SO many things I want to say, or muse about or whatever.
-My love for Tahini
-My experience with social inabilities and how it is to have friends
- Life in London
-How I’m growing
-Changing your mindset
-Do what you love- thoughts on that
-Plans for the future
-Why I can’t wait to go home but I really don’t want to leave London
And more random things I decide to post about.
I won’t post a picture of me because I have a horrible rash on my arms….it’s ugly I swear.
Lately my life has been a bit of this:
Really, I shouldn’t do work in bed. But sometimes it’s the most comfortable to put your feet up…besides which I turned my bed so that my chair doesn’t fit under my desk because the end of my bed is there so I’m kind of always doing work in bed aren’t I?
It is our 3 week break here, so I’ve been just chilling, really. My flat mates are gone, and with them their amazing kitchen mess making abilities, so I’ve been actually cooking!
The other day I went to the market and got one of my awesome box of veg for £1 deals. Then I went on a massive roasting spree- eggplant, peppers, onions, sage, cabbage, mushrooms, onions. I also have a little casserole pot with a lid that I got from my Nanny job (they are moving) so I layered veg in that with shepherd’s pie seasoning and baked it for some sort of pottage….and then I stir fried some stir fry mix with black bean sauce. It was an epic evening. All eaten with tahini of course.
and I forgot to take a picture? It was kind of ugly anyhow.
You don’t even need to read this post. I’m just rambling in the small moments before I have to go to work.
Also. I’m not sure where this blog is going. I don’t live and breathe food anymore, and my life is widening. I’m distracted by schoolwork and stressed because of it, which might be putting a damper on my creativity. And my flat-mate messiness problem + lack of kitchen utensils is probably putting a damper on my baking/cooking. All I can say is, when I’m here I’m here, and when I’m not I’m not.
I don’t really blog for a certain response. I blog because I need to say things. Sure, I enjoy the odd comment, but really it’s more for my benefit and pleasure, since I like writing. I like the way words come together. Words. They carry so much meaning and when you put them together they create something. Even rearranging the words in a sentence can change its meaning.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Well, I suppose it’s post v-day now, isn’t it?
I wanted to post about this:
Not Michael Jackson- About beats! But this post has to do with Beets.
Fun Fact: I took aerobics my first year of college and for a group project we choreographed an aerobics routine to this song!
So I went to the shops in prep.
- Bargains and over priced fruit at their best
Maybe I felt okay splurging £2 on those Holiday-themed fruit (although I did skip the berries in the heart shaped plastic container) because I saved £1 on that almond butter?
*half price? So that means those 16 strawberries were originally £4? lawd have mercy.
Then, I set to it!
I should call this blog “Blue Plate Special” because this is seriously the only plate I own!
Look nice, right? Well they didn’t work out quite how I wanted.
I wanted proper pink pancakes, like I saw when I looked up a recipe for these.
I bought a beet at the farmer’s market and everything. Maybe I boiled it for too long?
I also added too much baking powder. Please pay attention to your baking powder in concern for your poor pancakes. They want to be loved in all of their pillowy, absorbable spendour. Unfortunately, I could not love mine for this reason.
Not very valentine-y of me, now is it? But I will tell you that I ate them anyway. Because I did.
Just covered with copious amounts of yogurt.
*fun fact: the little heart almost fell on the floor as I carried these from the kitchen. The entire tower toppled and cascaded down the side of the plate like pancake dominoes.
Anyhow, here is the recipe I made it with.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up For Being Single Pancakes
Serves one solitary young woman
3 tbsp beet puree (maybe don’t boil your beet for too long and you’ll end up with more redness?)
1/3 cup spelt flour
1/3 cup wheat bran
what was probably too much of both baking powder and baking soda
finished off a bottle of vanilla (not too much, guys!)
2 tbsp yogurt
3 tbsp water (since I only have goat’s milk and that’d taste not well)
2 egg whites
1. mix dry
2. mix wet
3. mix together
4. marvel at how simple this all is
5. put in pan. cook.
6. eat. (serve with valentine’s themed things like strawberries and yogurt)
Things to do:
-Make sure you try to dye the white shirt that has stains on it with the beet juice. And watch it turn a really ugly dirty brown. The amount of times you have tried to save that shirt by dying it with vegetables has just gone up by one. The number of times it has worked still remains a solid zero.
-Love yourself this week. I spent so much time last week freaking out about papers and not being in love with college (no, we’re not valentines) and since I have this week off, I’m going to treat myself to Whole Foods tomorrow (hello £17 salad bar box!) and take a trip to the V&A.
-Wear an outfit you love. Look at yourself in the mirror (even if you have to climb on your toilet). Tell yourself you’re beautiful.
-Make something you love. Eat it. (DONE)
White chocolate is totally valentine-themed, right? But the other ingredient isn’t. So that’ll have to wait.
-Stop what you’re doing. Breathe. No matter what you might have about yourself this minute or might in the next minute- you’re totally lovable. I’ve been thinking about this lots lately, and it’s amazing how different we all are. We can’t all get along, or understand each other. We can’t all have what the next person has, or what we desire. But we need to be happy for what we do have and what we know, deep down, is great about us.
For instance: I’m not great on tests or with analytical papers, but I’m really creative, and when I have the time, I’m going to write a memoir
I’m a deep thinker, and even though I’m sort of a loner and haven’t made many friends (yet!) this year, I’ve done a lot of introspection that has made me much better in mind and body.
ps: Current music, as ever,
So I’ve been just completely not here. Funny, I seem to do this sort of post every time I drop out for a couple of days and come back with a slew of photos and such.
But here I am nevertheless.
I’ve had the thought of doing posts based on song titles when my itunes is put on random. This came up:
The entire song isn’t about being absent from the blog world, but the title seemed fitting.
“Where are you now?
I’m trying to get by with never knowing at all
What is the chance of finding you out there?
Or do I have to wait forever?”
Basically about where the heck is the person to love me?? Sometimes how I feel, so perhaps it is appropriate.
I’ve been distracted lately, you see. I’m trying to finish all my papers before I go home for Christmas because I just don’t want to have to create academic thoughts on something that seems less important than savouring the holidays with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably plow through philosophy books while I’m home, but I’m not about to write essays on Gandhi or Daoism while I’m there.
I’ve also been distracted by music. Like, one of those nights when you try to listen to your entire music library on all of the music platforms you’re a member of nights? Yeah. Then you try to channel your emotions through the music and blast it full volume and lay on your back and sing and sing or whip around your room feeling everything just pouring out each of your limbs and reverberating through the stillness that surrounds your thrashing body. I’m not angry, I’m just FEELING.
Feeling amazed at recovery
Feeling strange feelings for a guy I probably shouldn’t like, which, after 6 years of an Eating Disorder and 3 at a Women’s College, is mighty foreign
Feeling excited to go home
Feeling like writing papers just isn’t a flow for my soul
Feeling like I just want to live life
So yeah. Music has been my best friend lately.
That and Microsoft word count. Or my enemy. Take your pick.
When all else fails, have some fiber:
or become obsessed with a new food:
But, as always, I love you all.
Cheers and back soon, Hannah
ps: I’m off to Harrod’s today with a friend (FRIEND!) which is going to be fun, I knew I just had to get over there before the holidays were over. Nothing like a little cheer
Oh hey. Remember me?
I used to have a blog called Mindrunningwild…..oh wait, I still have it. No excuses here.
I’ve been having a major nostalgia day. Reading through my old tumblr and old skype conversations, thinking about high school and my childhood. Major nostalgia, I’m telling you.
Not too much time until I go home either! Which is exciting. It’s strange to think that my German friend is there while I”m not. Until that time, I’m sitting here listening to Spotify and
looking at food gawker writing papers
Yesterday I went with my friend B to the Westfield Mall in London to look at Perfume. I used to profess myself to be against perfume, but let’s be honest; don’t you love it when someone walks past you and wafts something delicious your way? You always want to bury your face in their hair and think about whatever their scent makes you remember. So we went perfume shopping. I’m 21 now and I can admit to liking lady-things.
I had breakfast first.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy this combo.
It was really great to get out with B. Westfield is on the edge of the city, so it was just a nice long tube ride away, full of good conversation and advice. We got into the mall and meandered a bit. It felt like home, the mall atmosphere. It was all bedecked for the holidays as well, which made the whole thing even more cheery.
We walked past a Nut Stand. I wanted everything. This was before the lady yelled at me not to take pictures. What was I going to do, steal their idea? I wish I had enough money to have a constantly full tasting bar of fruits and nuts….
Please note where it says “No Tasting” Oh darn.
We walked about and tried on multitudes of perfume. I smell like a flower garden now. Still, I couldn’t make a choice, so I’ll have to go back. I wasn’t about to be impulsive about something so expensive.
We went to Snog. B got Mr. Pretzel, but my heart belongs to Froyo.
Snog’s froyo was alright. A bit too sweet for my taste, but I’ll keep shopping around. I love froyo but why is it always so darn expensive?!
On another note, do you remember my £1 veg box? I got it again! This time I got a rainbow of veg that are currently bursting out of my shelf in the fridge.
and yes, this did all cost £1. Just call me the Master Bargain Shopper.
I thought I’d try some new soy milks. I also got cows milk, because it was reduced. Tried it, still dislike it. It just tastes like water….
I also tried the vanilla yogurt. Gosh! When did I become so sensitive to sugar? This was awful and went right into the baked goods I luckily had to make for a function for the Women’s Society. Thank goodness it was on sale.
I made B some chocolate peanut butter because she was so sweet to me for taking me perfuming. But then I wanted some myself. Lucky I had a jar of middle-grade peanut butter and a lone chocolate bar.
Theo Gingerbread Spice Bar+ Jar Peanut Butter = Gingerbread Spice Peanut Butter! (original, I know)
Delicious and perfect for the holidays. Ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, cardamom.
. I’m such a fan of Theo as well. They’ve got a Fair Trade commitment and make imaginative chocolates (a must-have for me!). When I get out to Seattle, I’ll be visiting their place for sure.
Graciously put on over at Living, Learning, Eating.
I bought this Sharon fruit? I don’t know, but I’ve seen them around the blogs and have been wanting to try them.
I haven’t tried it yet, but I’ll let you know when I do!
I also found this bread in that I got from the Livwell Free From company.
It has this interesting hole in it, like it was spun, rather than baked. The “grain” of the bread (like the wood grain) was circular, like a tree! It is white bread, which I usually am against, but it’s not bad. I don’t have to eat gluten free either, but it is always fun to try new things, isn’t it?
It has a nice cakey texture that borders on dry but isn’t unpleasant. It would fall apart if you tried to spread it with something cold, but I quite like it.
I also made my Zucchini bread again. So many of you asked if I’d made or bought it that I’m going to give the recipe!
3/4 cup spelt flour (you can use any flour)
3/4 cup wheat bran (or another cup flour)
2 egg whites
1/2 cup yogurt
1 grated courgette/zucchini
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
sweetener, to taste (I know people differ in preferences here)
cinnamon, spices, to taste
1. Mix wet, mix dry
2. Bake at 350• until crisp on the outside, dense and gooey on the in!
A bit back Laura did a Holiday blog swap! We were each paired up with another UK blogger and also got a Secret Santa.
I got my package yesterday, when I was kind of freaking out and feeling stuck. Sarah sent me the most wonderful little pick me up!
I actually opened it whilst walking, because I couldn’t wait!
I immediately bit into the Reindeer. I felt a bit Tiddly! The notebook and pen I’ve begun using for a gratitude/thankfulness/happiness notebook. More on this, but I need to start being more positive.
And I’m a total London girl now, so I’m loving everything with London on it. Those stickers are perfect because I really, truly, do, love London <3
These are perfect!
I’ll try to blog more regularly, sometimes I just get bogged down in feeling stuck and I can’t even do things I enjoy. I’ve been doing lots of thinking though, which is good. It will make for great posts, once I can get my S*H* together.
Much love, as always,
Let’s be honest.
This morning I’m really struggling with body image. Like it does, it came on suddenly and without explanation. One minute you’re fine, “Oh, I love my legs today” and the next, “Gosh. What the heck. You shouldn’t have done X yesterday, now you’re too thick.”
Um ED? Do you mind? I run the show now.
*disclaimer: I’m not a debbie downer, I’m just exploring my feelings and processing. This is real, I’m real, and real people aren’t happy all the time.
It could have been the fact that I decided to wear leggings today.
Reframe: Leggings are fine. They fit you and make you look strong and slim. There shouldn’t be any clothes you feel you can’t wear. Good for you for trying something new.
It could be that my friend is coming to visit this weekend and I’m nervous about having to eat in front of her.
Reframe: Okay. I know this one is hard, but you’ve got to think. One weekend won’t blow you up, you don’t have to eat pizza, and you eat anyways, so why would doing it in front of her matter? Breathe.
It could be that I’m trying to get too much done at once. Yes, I’m looking at you papers that are not due until January.
Reframe: You’re extremely proactive, starting your papers months in advance. That way you can have a relaxing time when you go home for Christmas. Although this week is “reading week” you do not need to finish all your essays now. You still have more than a month before you go home.
So it could be any of these things. Point is, what do you do about it? When you feel like all you want to do is crawl in a hole, or retreat back into behaviors, what do you do? It is made worse by dwelling on it, by realizing that old behaviors just don’t work for you anymore. You need to eat, you like to eat, and it’s when this is paired with bad body image that things get difficult.
Today I’d like to focus on what my body does for me. I read a quote this morning that really resonated with me in relation to this:
“The Greatest danger to our future is apathy” Jane Goodall”
Recovery is a process and a process doesn’t mean a fast track. Some days will be better than others and unfortunately, today is one of those others. It is when we forget what we’re aiming for that we are in danger. The days when I forget to eat enough of whatever, when I forget that I eat for my bones, for future relationships, for my family, for my education. It is when I forget that so much of what makes me unhappy now is caused by this disorder.
This is making me emotional.
When I really stop to think about this and actively push against the apathy, I become powerful and strong against this anorexia. I become the one who is in charge, the one who calls the shots on what I think tastes good and what I wear. The one who decides whether I have one piece of toast or two with yogurt for breakfast. The one who decides to love myself with all my imperfections. And in doing this, allow myself to be loved by others also.
The truth is, this is the hard part. The part where I am not so entrenched in my ED that I don’t care. I do care now. I see where I was, where I am, and where I am going, and I want to get there with all my heart. That’s where it is hard. Holding back would be safe, I’ve been there, done that and I know how and what it brings. But the future is brighter, albeit unknown. It involves friends, delicious food, opportunities, maybe my first boyfriend, who knows. It also involves a strong body that can see me through all of these wonderful things that the future holds.
It’s a lot to struggle with recovery when you’re on the brink. A lot to struggle while your maladaptive perfectionism is telling you to get your essays done months before they’re due, but at the same time, preventing you from productivity because you’re afraid you’ll fail.
Here is what I’m focusing on today, to help me battle this E(vil) D(emon)
1. Thinking about what my body can DO for me. It can walk me around London. I can walk to my job, be there for the two girls I Nanny for and get me back safely. I can meander around the city and see sights. I can run to catch a bus.
2. Thinking about something else. This morning I made peanut butter. Tastes good, good for me, makes me happy. Instant fix. Besides, what is NOT totally distracting about a loud food processor?
3. Thinking about my future and not sinking into apathy. Apathy is the same thing as fear and non-action in this circumstance. If I am afraid to recover or afraid of what it would meant to let go, I fail inherently. I expose myself to the dangers of brittle bones, relationship-less life and lost friendships. The more active I am in my thoughts, the more what I desire becomes a reality.
4. Thinking about these feelings. Where did they come from? What can I do? Ignoring feelings will only push them down and resurface them later. Buddhism speaks to the importance of letting feelings arise, acknowledging them, and letting them pass. I believe this this works, no matter how difficult it may be in the moment.
5. Reaching out. Reach out to those people who care about you. My parents are really great supports for me, as is blogging. I know that so many of you have and are going through what I am and can relate. Knowing you’re not alone is something that is spoken of again and again, but it is true. No shame in asking for help. The only shame is self generated. Change your thoughts.
6. Eating. Oh yes. Eating when you’ve got bad body image is probably the LAST thing you want to do but it can really help. Getting into a bad spiral can only bring you down. Chances are, missing nutrients are causing negative thoughts. Carbs, fats and protein are the ones I always miss, and it is true that I need a balance of those daily in order to feel great.
I hope this helps those of you who are struggling with body image today, recovering from an Eating Disorder or not. Sometimes we just don’t love our bodies. It’s okay. We don’t love the weather every day, but we put on our overcoats and brace the wind. We don’t love homework, but we slog through and get the “A” at the end. Life in general isn’t great all the time. But just living, if you think about it, is the most amazing thing. How complex we are as creatures. How much we matter as whole people. Believe me, your friends aren’t friends with you JUST because of a certain part of your body. That would be bogus. Legs don’t talk! Ideas, thoughts, emotions, those form people. What people DO. This is what makes you a person.
Give it a think. Love your body today. I am.