It’s gettin’ hot in herrrre
Sup? It is so hot here, I’ve got to tell ya, I wish I had me a fan!!
Yesterday I went to Whole Foods for samples with Tessa and stopped by Marshals! What a nice break from campus. As I’ve mentioned, I’m looking for a bathing suit for my summer camp counselor position this summer, and so I looked around at Marhsals and found this gem!
Yes my friends, I think we have a winner.
just kidding, I’d be fired on a hot second wearing that baby.
I found these awesome giant raisins. Have you ever seen raisins so big? Who is a raisin lover out there? I used to love love them but now I prefer dried cranberries because they are tart. Raisins have become too sweet.
Tessa and I perused the samples but they really had nothing but a milk sample and some chocolate mousse. We stopped by the bakery section and checked out the object of our affection (and worst fear)….the CINNAMON BUN
It was a rather short outing because Tessa, as an RA, had to be back on campus to move more people out. It was really great to hang out with her though and I’m definitely going to miss her when I go abroad next year!
I took a detour to Deals and Steals on my way back to Smith because I wanted to stock up for home on the cheap stuff.
For under $20? I think yes!
10 packaets of organic instant oatmeal
20 packets of tea
1 cinnamon sugar kettle corn
1 mint chocolate soy crisps
1 baked salt and pepper chips
1 soy nut butter
1 banana peanut butter (for when I *possibly* can eat nuts!)
4 packets of vegan stabilizer for whipped cream (or oats, methinks!)
3 packages of tea; blueberry green x1 and iced green x2
1 steaz orange soda thing (stevia rocks my world!)
1 chocolate cake mix- sweeten your own. I’m going to use my nunaturals baking blend that I won in Whitney’s giveaway!
1 tofu pudding mix
4 vegan green shake protein poweders
3 bars to add to my mouldy bar stash, a la Freya
Yes. I’m way excited!!
It was just so hot yesterday too. Today is a bit better, although I’m warm because I just got back from a long walk with mah book.
I lay around lazily yesterday taking photobooth pics of myself to document the heat.
Our a cappella group had our senior banquet, as I mentioned. It was okay and singing the song went alright, I just didn’t look at A as I sang it.
Speaking of clothing I’d like to talk about pants.
Today my mom sent me my black pants to wear for Glee Club and Groove when we perform today and tomorrow. I have one pair of black pants I always wear, knowing that they fit me and I feel good wearing them. Another thing you should know about me is that I always wear one outfit per day, avoiding changing for body image reasons. Well, upon receiving these pants in the mail, I went to the campus center bathroom to put them on and found them a bit tight. I was actually surprised at how well I handled this.
As I may have mentioned (or perhaps I forgot), while at home between senior week and the end of school, I tried on everything in my closet. I liked the way all my clothes felt and I felt good when I looked in the mirror. I thought my legs looked strong and would be a part of my body I would be comfortable to show around in shorts at camp this summer, rather than hide for being too thin, like I usually do.
The thing is, I just battle with myself lately about whether I’m okay with gaining necessary weight. In the past few months, my hair has gone from feeling like limp straw to renewed bouncy curls and my nose is less pointy. The backs of my hands no longer sink in between my tendons and I am okay to sit in a hard chair for more than 30 minutes. Does this freak me out? Yes! Especially because I haven’t been doing as well at eating normally as I could be, but I also see that my rules around food are going away and I could very well be eating more than I think I am.
It is so hard to be in this place, the place directly between recovery and sickness. I know I want recovery but it is hard sometimes to see into the future to what it would mean. My body image goes up and down by the second- situational. One second I’m freaking out and the next I feel relatively fine.
I know for sure that the only thing to do now is to move forward. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people who have recovered from this and I can too. I just need to prove it to myself. Besides, you can’t live stuck inside an eating disorder. I’ve found that being with people is far less painful than it was before. I can be friendly and amiable, I don’t have to be moody and crabby. There is life that is waiting for me, possibly even this summer!!
Off to sing from 1230 to 6pm. lord almighty!
RECOVERY? BRING IT ON.