It’s gettin’ hot in herrrre

Sup? It is so hot here, I’ve got to tell ya, I wish I had me a fan!!

Yesterday I went to Whole Foods for samples with Tessa and stopped by Marshals! What a nice break from campus. As I’ve mentioned, I’m looking for a bathing suit for my summer camp counselor position this summer, and so I looked around at Marhsals and found this gem!

I'm sorry, but what IS this thing?

Yes my friends, I think we have a winner.
just kidding, I’d be fired on a hot second wearing that baby.


I found these awesome giant raisins. Have you ever seen raisins so big? Who is a raisin lover out there? I used to love love them but now I prefer dried cranberries because they are tart. Raisins have become too sweet.

Tessa and I perused the samples but they really had nothing but a milk sample and some chocolate mousse. We stopped by the bakery section and checked out the object of our affection (and worst fear)….the CINNAMON BUN

It was a rather short outing because Tessa, as an RA, had to be back on campus to move more people out. It was really great to hang out with her though and I’m definitely going to miss her when I go abroad next year!

I took a detour to Deals and Steals on my way back to Smith because I wanted to stock up for home on the cheap stuff.

the loot!

For under $20? I think yes!

10 packaets of organic instant oatmeal
20 packets of tea
1 cinnamon sugar kettle corn
1 mint chocolate soy crisps
1 baked salt and pepper chips
1 soy nut butter
1 banana peanut butter (for when I *possibly* can eat nuts!)
4 packets of  vegan stabilizer for whipped cream (or oats, methinks!)
3 packages of tea; blueberry green x1 and iced green x2
1 steaz orange soda thing (stevia rocks my world!)
1 chocolate cake mix- sweeten your own. I’m going to use my nunaturals baking blend that I won in Whitney’s giveaway!
1 tofu pudding mix
4 vegan green shake protein poweders
3 bars to add to my mouldy bar stash, a la Freya 
Yes. I’m way excited!!

It was just so hot yesterday too. Today is a bit better, although I’m warm because I just got back from a long walk with mah book.
I lay around lazily yesterday taking photobooth pics of myself to document the heat.


Our a cappella group had our senior banquet, as I mentioned. It was okay and singing the song went alright, I just didn’t look at A as I sang it.

we made them shirts!

Speaking of clothing I’d like to talk about pants.

Today my mom sent me my black pants to wear for Glee Club and Groove when we perform today and tomorrow. I have one pair of black pants I always wear, knowing that they fit me and I feel good wearing them. Another thing you should know about me is that I always wear one outfit per day, avoiding changing for body image reasons. Well, upon receiving these pants in the mail, I went to the campus center bathroom to put them on and found them a bit tight. I was actually surprised at how well I handled this.
As I may have mentioned (or perhaps I forgot), while at home between senior week and the end of school, I tried on everything in my closet. I liked the way all my clothes felt and I felt good when I looked in the mirror. I thought my legs looked strong and would be a part of my body I would be comfortable to show around in shorts at camp this summer, rather than hide for being too thin, like I usually do.

The thing is, I just battle with myself lately about whether I’m okay with gaining necessary weight. In the past few months, my hair has gone from feeling like limp straw to renewed bouncy curls and my nose is less pointy. The backs of my hands no longer sink in between my tendons and I am okay to sit in a hard chair for more than 30 minutes. Does this freak me out? Yes! Especially because I haven’t been doing as well at eating normally as I could be, but I also see that my rules around food are going away and I could very well be eating more than I think I am.

It is so hard to be in this place, the place directly between recovery and sickness. I know I want recovery but it is hard sometimes to see into the future to what it would mean.  My body image goes up and down by the second- situational. One second I’m freaking out and the next I feel relatively fine.

I know for sure that the only thing to do now is to move forward. There are so many wonderful, beautiful people who have recovered from this and I can too. I just need to prove it to myself. Besides, you can’t live stuck inside an eating disorder. I’ve found that being with people is far less painful than it was before. I can be friendly and amiable, I don’t have to be moody and crabby. There is life that is waiting for me, possibly even this summer!!

Off to sing from 1230 to 6pm. lord almighty!

Love, Hannah


About Hannah B.

I'm a 24 year old graduate student living in NYC. I study Education, but I'm a keen writer.

Posted on May 13, 2011, in breakfast, daily musings, friends, frustrated, glee club, groove, Happy Days, philosophy, shopping, soy nut butter, Uncategorized, WIN. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Hi Hannah, nice post and OMG on that bathing suit!:) I see you have changed the look of your blog – it looks really good! I so understand your fear from the changes your body is experiencing. It is really not easy to get things right, to learn how much food/macro + micro nutrients your body needes, what is good for you, and handling the weight and body issues issues is a real trigger! But I feel like you are really trying to get everything in the right direction and I so hope you are soon reaching the state of complete health, mind and body wise. Have a great weekend:)

  2. Remember that, as a woman, your body ebbs and flows with the moon, just like the sea. Every day it will feel different in some way and I know it”s scary and hard in recovery. Be proud that you are learning to let life’s inevitable changes, disappointments and surprises roll over you. Congratulate and celebrate that you are really doing a brave and impressive job with your best effort healthy responses to things that are not in your control. You are a magnificant living organism that can flourish and be totally awesome and wonderful. Take good care of yourself and the door to your future is wide open! You used to bury your Barbies in the mud in the backyard. Maybe time for a little Barbie burial ceremony ? I hear a healthy balanced life calling!

  3. I love the new look your your blog!! It’s very fun. :) And I feel you on the heat- it’s getting super hot here too!! It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the dang humidity.

  4. What an awesome $20 haul! tofu pudding mix?! I’ve never heard of such a glorious creation :)

    Loving your new blog theme, it’s so happy!! And I must say, the header image is quite droolworthy :P

  5. indecisiveathlete

    The gaining weight part is like a roller coaster. You know its good but at there are times when you’d rather not. My dad is constantly reminding me that bodies fluctuate in weight and water retention and all that good stuff. This helps to remember when not feeling the greatest. But I’m so glad you feel like you’ll be comfortable in shorts this summer! Yay for showing off strong legs! :)

  6. Sounds like you are really improving and that is great! I love hearing such positive thoughts and its great that you are seeing such great healthy changes in your body!
    Ps: I am ssoooo jealous of all that loot you got!!! And for under twenty bucks?! SCORE!!!

  7. First of all, I totally love this new blog layout you’ve got going on here! So cute!

    Wowza – all that for under $20? Can you magically transport the Deals and Steals store over here? Please and thank you. :)

    And good for you for moving forward! You are awesome.


  8. LOVE the new header, girl!!

  9. go get that cinnamon roll girl!

  10. feerlessfood

    You’ve got to embrace recovery and I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made! I know saying “you’ll look so much healthier” is not a “good” thing for us to hear so I won’t say that. But I will say that truth- you will look so much BETTER and the weight your body is begging you to get to! Plus, you’ll glow- as, like, gay as that sounds (lol) its true. I’ve seen it in people and in myself, they, and I, have literally gotten that glow back that when away when the eating disorder took over.

    Stay strong and keep getting after it!

    Oh, in terms of Whole Foods- I learned how to spend $23 at the their hot bar… lesson learned, don’t buy steamed vegetables from the hot bar! Just go get a frozen bag lol

  11. Cute bathing suit ;) LOL! I can’t believe you got all of that stuff for under $20.. what a steal!

  12. love the positivity on here girl!!! keep it up!!! everything will get prettier.. your face, skin, hair, nails.. the list goes on! more importantly, you FEEL better!

  13. time for happiness

    love the shirts and the raisins-holy goodness I AM OBSSESSEDD WITH RAISINS. So those look awesome :) I know where you’re at with the pants, and well… just in general.. and its rough. It passes, you know as well as I do, but its uncomfortable. very very very uncomfortable, but this place is crucial in moving forward and not getting caught up in the changes and going backwards. Keep going forwards, Hannah, you are so amazing and inspiring to me.

  14. I love the new look! It is so clean :) and those raisins look amazing@ I would SO love to buy some ;)

    hearing that you are coming more comfortable with your body and clothing is amazing :) It makes me so happy!

    I hope this weekend has been amazing <3


  15. I think you should get that bathing suit ;)
    I sometimes feel as if I have the same fears about recovery, wondering whether I want to feel healthy, but then I remember that if I felt healthy, I wouldn’t be worrying about feeling healthy, I would just be enjoying life. So we are in this together, and must look to all the amazing people who have overcome this and now look&feel fantastic, and can live life to the fullest!
    hope singing went well, I remember having to do things like that, your throat will need lots of tea!

  16. I feel the same. Being in recovery, but not yet “recovered” is such a tough & awkward place to be.
    If I could click my fingers & jump from here to recovered, I would. It’s the in-between stage that’s the toughest part & quite frankly, I wish it’d just be over & done with. I guess it’s important to remember how the strength we show in overcoming this illness is what will shape us & enable us to become stronger individuals.
    You can do it- we all can- and if you ever need reminding, you’ve got a whole body of people behind you rooting for you :)

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