Posted by Hannah B.
I was talking to my mom via skype lately and, as usual, we got to talking about recovery and life.
We’re very philosophical, my mother and I.
I do lots of thinking about letting go and the limitations of my ED. Here are some of the things I’ve come across and I need to let go of.
1. I’m letting go of the fact that I’m never going to be tall with long legs.
Reframe: My legs are strong and can power me through walking around London. If I didn’t have any muscles, I couldn’t see all the sites!
2. I’m letting go of the fact that I’m not the most social person out there.
Reframe: It is completely not to enjoy clubbing so much, and I can go out sometimes too. It’s all about balance. I know that my body needs more sleep. I listen.
3. I’m letting go of the need to control every situation around food
Reframe: I’m learning that food can be a social thing. Eating things others prepare, trying samples or eating because someone offers food to me will not automatically blow me up into a blimp.
4. I’m letting go of the past
Reframe: Yes, I’ve had social trouble, I haven’t been happy, I’ve had an eating disorder. But that does not have to be my future. I can live the vibrant life I dream about. Looking backwards with one hand holding on is never going to allow me to grow.
5. I’m letting go of being alone
Reframe: I may not have a best friend, and I may have never dated, but there are people out there who will make me feel special, just how I am. My mom says I’m looking for a very rare fish in a big pond. It may be true. I need to do my part to look for them, as they are hopefully looking for me too!
6. I’m letting go of restricting my entire lifestyle
Reframe: Spending money doesn’t automatically make me a bad person or immediately destitute. I don’t need to restrict spending because I have money to eat, money with which to have fun. When I restrict my money, I become “unfun” and avoid situations. This is the most difficult, as I learn to spend without guilt.
I’m learning. Recovery is a process. I always like to say I’m getting my midlife crisis out of the way early.
Day two of reading week! I went to work yesterday, my first day as Nanny (remember the job that wasn’t going to work out? It did!!) The girls are lovely and the family is just amazing. Their flat looks out over London, which is just perfection in itself. I feel welcomed by their community and it is just a blessing. Isn’t it grand to love your job?
I definitely saw a guy walking down the street with one of these yesterday:
I did a double take and laughed to myself.
I’ve been eating lots of this:
I’ve been craving chocolate like no one’s business. I’ve been out for a couple days and haven’t been to the shops to get any. I have my eye on this bar:
I love dark chocolate. The stranger the flavour, the better. As long as it hasn’t got Hazelnuts or Pistachios, I’m golden.
I can’t wait until WIAW tomorrow- it’s going to be a good one!
Enjoy your snow. I’m jealous. Perhaps occasion to being out the Christmas music early? I always say never before my birthday (November 24th) but this year perhaps I’ll need to.
About Hannah B.I'm a 24 year old graduate student living in NYC. I study Education, but I'm a keen writer.
Posted on November 8, 2011, in About me, daily musings, friends, frustrated, goals, Happy Days, philosophy, study abroad, travel, Uncategorized, WIN and tagged anorexia, anxiety, coming to terms, Happy Days, hummus, letting go, london, social anxiety, study abroad, trail mix. Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.